Understanding & Transforming Self-Criticism

Originally Published: July 2023

The Dalai Lama describes compassion as "wise selfishness." It's the counterintuitive truth that one of the most effective ways to be happier is to think of someone other than yourself.

My meditation practice has been my superpower/life-saver as of late. It’s even more vital as I’m in the phase of my life of prioritizing productivity, meaningful work, and time. This can come with a tall side-order of toxic and useless thoughts. My personal favorites are: “I am not enough. I’m not doing enough. I’m not good enough.” Or “Why did I say that? People are going to think I’m weird.” Thus, limiting my speech, caring about appearing silly/ignorant in front of others, lowering my self-confidence, and negatively impacting my ability to authentically express myself. All of which are like shooting myself in the foot when I need to truly believe in everything I’m capable of so I can be of service & supportive of others and, most importantly, myself. While these thoughts aren’t intentional, conscious, or in the forefront of my mind, they slow me down and deplete my productivity levels. In moments like this, I like to pause for a second, take 3 deep breaths, and remind myself that I am more than good enough.

So in honor of those pesky thoughts, these are my takeaways from one of my favorite go-to meditations from the Ten Percent Happier app (now just called Happier) & 10% Happier with Dan Harris podcast for when I need a gentle reminder of my infinite potential and limitless existence, which was this afternoon as of posting.

The Dalai Lama’s Guide Session 5: The Case Against Self-Criticism

Let’s start understanding self-criticism by defining some key concepts.

Relentless self-criticism results in negative bodily changes, constriction in attention, suffering, & impairs every day life.

Self-compassion is to be kind & accepting of one’s own negative thoughts. They’re thoughts and not definitions of who we are. Kindness does not make you soft. But gives us confidence to recognize that we occasionally have these thoughts and that they will not derail us. They’re just passing through.

Self-hatred is a pandemic. It’s a narrative of not being enough. Our sense of dissatisfaction in ourselves breeds suffering for others and ourselves.

Cattle prodding looks like: “If I’m not hard on myself, I’ll never get off the couch.” This strengthens an inner self-directed aggression.

I believed the self-limiting narration, “I need to do so much more to justify being alive. My existence, as of right now, cannot possibly be good enough. I have much more service and help I can provide to others in need. Build structures of change, health, and positivity for those alive and future generations. I’m not doing enough; thus, I am not good enough.”

A genuine, unconditional form of love transforms self loathing to compassionate thoughts. Appreciate the messiness of your mind & life and how much you have learned. Develop a mind that does not judge self harshly, but turn towards my own situation with myself and others with kindness and curiosity. Research shows that self-compassion is a cleaner burning fuel than self-criticism. When dealing with self-criticism, you can follow the guided meditation to arrive to a place of ease.

Slow your body. Close your eyes. Take 3 deep breaths. Inhale from the nose. Audible exhale from the mouth. With each inhale/exhale, deepen your breath.

When was a time that you were stressed out or annoyed with yourself? Think of a situation when you were having a hard time. Notice any feelings or images that emerge. How does this recollection feel in your body? No need to get into the storyline of the image. Just be with the feelings it brings up and breathing with it.

Thich Naht Hahn said - When a difficult emotion arises, say, “Hello, old friend. I know you.” This statement makes a special connection with it, that allows you to release it.

Make this a respectful connection. Then release the feeling. Relax your body and soften the eyes.

Let go of aggression, neediness, fear, harsh self-judgment, and just be with the breath.

Your good friend, the breath.

I took the time to sit down for a few minutes for this one and it truly helped me ground myself and I came out of it, feeling less anxious and more focused. I hope this helps you in some capacity. It’s not about Buddhism or a believing in a specific belief system. It’s all about breathing and coming back to the present moment so you can prioritize what’s important here and now. Lastly, be kind to yourself — this is all a part of our learning process and journey.

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A brown body voyaging through space and time, opening towards enlightenment with every breath. Creating & sustaining systems of long-lasting impact.